First off, I was informed by some people (ahem Alex and Alicia) that my blogs are too long so I will post two today instead of one long one. You're welcome.
I started off this Christmas a little touchy. When I realized it was because my grandma is on hospice and (although doing well considering) may not be around next Christmas, I told Alex. He responded by telling me it could be anyone's last Christmas.
How true that is. And because it is so true, his words (which I think were supposed to help me relax and enjoy what and who I have) really hit me hard. We had a rough year of unexpected losses, people we expected would be here now to celebrate Christmas with us again. And I don't think I'm ready to accept that you can't count on having all your loved ones in your life for another year. I want them all here now and for the rest of my life. There. You can't control death, I know, but I don't want to roll over and say "Ok, Go. I'm ready." I never will be able to do that.
What I do want to say is thank you. Thank you everyone for existing. Thank you for breathing and eating and laughing and crying. Thank you Mom and Dad for showing me how to live. Thank you Alex for showing me love. Thank you friends and family for showing me the good side of life, the reason for being. Thank you jerk inconsiderate driver for showing me that I have patience and forgiveness. Thank you underprivileged child for showing me that I have compassion. Keep breathing and eating and laughing and crying. I will if you will.
Merry Christmas.
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