Depression is something I've dealt with throughout my life, in family members, friends, and myself. I'd like to think both age and experience have given me some valuable knowledge so that I can deal with it when it does pop up. If anyone out there has felt it, know that although I understand it is felt differently by everyone, I can empathize with you. When I read this last night I was taken to where I was in life at the time I wrote it. I was 14 years old at the time.
The Same
The flame flickered and went
out.
What was this life all
about?
This life I lived, day after
day,
The same in each and every
way.
Frustration filled my every
thought.
What was it that I so
painfully sought?
A change from this monotony,
That devoured every part of
me.
Every day a lecture from my
mother
On how to treat one another.
I listen halfheartedly, for
I’ve heard it all before.
I just don’t want to listen
anymore.
Every day an argument with
my father.
To me it is no longer a
bother.
It happens so often that I
don’t even try.
Sometimes I wish I could
still cry.
Everything at school now
sounds the same.
All kids want anyway is
money and fame.
Teachers teaching the usual
things,
Over and over again it
seems.
Friends one day, strangers
the next.
Friendships broken and
friendships fixed.
But gone am I now, from
their memory for good.
For what reason, I never
understood.
I do not matter, I know and
fear.
I’m just a whisper in
someone’s ear.
Why is it that I am too
quiet to be heard?
Too insignificant to be
remembered.
Tears burning in my eyes,
itching to be free.
These tears, I realize,
resemble me.
Waiting for the chance to
break loose,
Pain is tricky and easy to
confuse.
Physical pain, yes, I know,
is terrible,
But the pain in my heart is
unbearable.
It hurts to think, it hurts
to pray,
Knowing that nothing will go
away.
Please thoughts, leave me
be.
Leave me to die in this
monotony.
I now know the truth, I
realize and sigh.
A tear rolls down my cheek
as I finally cry.
“So this is what sweet
surrender is,” I weep.
Quit fighting, quit trying,
this life is mine to keep.
I light the flame again
Only to light it again and
again.
On and on it goes,
repetitiously.
This is what will become of
me.
I have given in, I am frail
and weak.
About this I will never
again speak.
Not sure if you'd prefer I post on FB or here... so I'm posting here. It's amazing to read something like that knowing it was a you so long ago, but still you. Even though you still deal with depression, I hope the perspective has changed over the years. Your poem reminds me of our perspective as teens and the confusion and pressure we're under and how completely overwhelming it all seems... parents, kids at school, society... and then I think we grow up and find just a few people who keep us going. It's much simpler than we imagined, but somehow simultaneously very complicated. I'm glad you have the will to re-light your own candle when needed... that makes you very much not frail and weak. I hope you don't have to do it too often and I hope that I and our other friends help with some lighting when it's needed. I know you have done that for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you blog. If you are an introvert, there's nothing wrong with that and you can get yourself out there in whatever way works best for you. This is a cool way to get to know you beyond the face to face interactions. I read an article on introverted CEOs and how they work. How it's not about eschewing the interactions or not, it's just about how they thrive as a human being and what they do with their interactions.
Now my post is turning into a blog post itself. Thanks for the read. :)
My friends and family are the most important "fuel" I've got, so thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to have someone who understands that when I am quiet I'm not stupid, boring, or a stuck up bitch. I hope my blog can show other people more of who I am too. I know I'm a hard shell to crack for sure. Blogging is great for me, I think. Thank you, Interwebs.