Thrift Shop (not the song, though the song is great)

I've grown up frequenting thrift shops.  When I was little my cousins and I would go with my grandma and play with all the toys and maybe buy a game missing a few pieces or a stuffed animal (I still remember the funny smell of my stuffed Shamu) while my grandma would be looking though all the nick-nacks and lamps.  When I was older, in my quirky weird girl stage, I would go for the clothes.  I loved the bright floral 60's print dresses and itchy polyester shirts and the wide legged pants and the acid washed jeans.  My closet smelled of thrift store and I once was shunned by a boyfriend all day because I wore a chicken dress to school.  A dress with chickens all over it.  When I grew tired of trying to define my individuality through my clothes I would go for the books.  Oh, the books.  I would read every single title, pick them up and feel them, fan through the pages so I could smell the history in these books.  I loved imagining the previous owner sitting in a park reading, growing teary eyed at all the right parts, staying up late to get through the climax, and sighing with the finishing of the last sentence.  So yeah, thrift shops and I have a history.

The other day I stopped by a thrift store hoping to find a piece of art for our bare walls.  I went in and walked to the back where all the household items were.  Browsing through the usual thrift store items, I was suddenly (and very unexpectedly) in tears.  I saw a picture frame with the picture of a young girl still in it, a hand made sign saying "Grandma Beth's Kitchen", a journal with a note inside, "for John".  I pictured my grandma's things here, where inevitably they may well end up.  Isn't it weird to mourn for someone through things?  But these things become a part of the person.  These things they touched every day, or used on special occasions or hung on their walls or cherished.  My grandma, to me, was her coffee mugs.  She was her barn pictures.  She was her piles of mystery books in paper bags that she had stacked in her spare room.  She was her lamps.  She was her gardening shears.  She was so much and I know that things aren't important, that the memories are what to hold onto but damn it, at that moment I wanted to hoard it all. 

Driving home I thought about the things I will leave behind.  When I die, what will be dropped off at the closest thrift shop?  What will end up cherished by my family, my friends?  Will anything leave a lingering effect on those who knew me?  Or will it all be junk?

Resolution update

Here's a little update on how all my resolutions are going.  You know, resolutions?  Those things everyone made January 1st?  What?  Yours fell through?  My plan doesn't seem so crazy now, does it? 

-Walk Cooper daily: While I certainly have not been walking him daily, I have made an effort.  With the crappy air and 9 degree January weather, I'm proud of myself for how often we have been going (probably 3-4 days a week).  Now that its warming up, however, I'm faced with another problem.  The melting snow is exposing so many smells!  I know I complain a lot about the amount of smelling Cooper does on his walks, but really, its almost embarrassing when I have to drag my dog along on his walk.  Here's a video to prove my point about Bassets and smelling.  You know how puppies romp and play with each other?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VJqpdNsTwM
Anyway, I still plan on working towards this goal and every day that I fail to walk him, I work on another goal.  The "fuck it" goal.

-Chore list:  I just barely finished my updated version of this for the new house.  Yay.  If I were to give myself a grade on this one it would be "satisfactory".

-Actively seek social or intellectual stimulation: I'm currently listening to a podcast class on the Philosophy of Religion from the University of Oxford. You too can listen to this class and many more here:
http://podcasts.ox.ac.uk/open
Its pretty nice as I can listen to it in my car on the way to work. I'm thinking my next class will be Bioethics. My friend Meghan and I are talking about doing something once a month that I think could fit under this category. We will go to things like plays, operas, ballets, etc. I'm so excited for this.

-Relax: I'm doing surprisingly well here. I'd like to thank my "fuck it" philosophy. I understand the crude language may turn some off from it. It works for me. But if you'd like, you could use "who cares" "let it go" or if you need it to pack a punch but not the kind of punch that "fuck it" packs, try "screw it". I feel that's a fair compromise. Now I just need to figure out how to maintain my relaxed state while I'm sleeping. I think the next step would be some kind of meditation before bed.

-Eat Better: We've been eating at home a lot. So that's good. What isn't good is that the boss at our pizza place is sending us hand written thank you notes. Well, you can't win them all. But seriously, I'm spending a lot on fruits and veggies when I go grocery shopping, which shows that I'm buying the good stuff. I think, though, that I should start doing Bountiful Baskets again because you get so much for $15. Don't know what that is? Here ya go:
http://bountifulbaskets.org/

-Spend more time with family and friends:  The last few weeks I've done so well here!  Feelin' good about it and I'm hoping to continue.  I think it helps that Alex is working a similar schedule to mine.  We can spend weeknights together so that by the time the weekend comes we are ready to share our time with family and friends.

-Spend more quality time with myself:  I have been working more on hobbies that interest me and it has been nice.  One thing I'd like to work on more is writing.  I think I am too critical of myself.  I get an idea and I talk myself out of it because I know I'm not a great writer.  This thing that, in my mind is beautiful, may be destroyed by my inability to put it down on paper.  But it's therapeutic and makes me feel all whole and stuff so damn it, I need to get over it and do it.

-Less time browsing the web:  Doing well on this except for my stupid phone.  Since when was it a good idea to have internet on your phone?  Oh, time black hole, socialization killer, leave me be.  I need to show some restraint.

-Expand my music library:  Do you call adding new stations to your Pandora radio expanding your music library?  Cause if you do, that's a big, fat check.  I've added Etta James, Elvis Presley, and M.I.A radio.

And that's it.  A work in progress.  Rather than considering my failures, see this as a success.  I do.

Resolutions

I always laugh at people who make new year resolutions but somehow I always end up making some too.  This year I've decided to do several so that when I inevitably fail on a few, my overall percentage of failure will (hopefully) be not so bad.  My track record is horrible, though I feel a little better about it because I think most everyone gives up their resolutions by February.

Here we go:

-Walk Cooper dog daily.  It's hard to be motivated sometimes and boy does he piss me off when he stops and smells EVERYTHING (you don't get it unless you have a hound) but once I get out there the sun and fresh air sure make me feel good.  Oh, and he loves it too.

-Follow my chore list.  Last year sometime I made a cute laminated chore list that assigns all my weekly chores to days of the week.  Bonus is that I get to cross each one off as I complete it.  Gotta love Pinterest inspiration.  Since I made it before we bought our house it may need some modifications so the plan is to start following my list for a few weeks to see how it fits into my new house requirements and modify it when I figure out what needs to be changed.

-Actively seek social or intellectual stimulation.  I think an important part of being human is continual growth and improvement.  Once I become stagnant I don't feel right.  I tell Alex I feel "itchy inside".  I want to avoid that as much as possible because for me, itchy inside leads to depression.  Here are some of my ideas this year:  yoga class, pottery class, dance class, online intro to coding class, writing workshop and, as always, vacations.

-Relax!  I worry.  A lot.  Reading "F*ck It, The Ultimate Spiritual Way" by John C. Parkin was helpful to me this year.  I don't agree with everything in the book but the overall theme is lovely.  This is what you do.  When you start to worry about something, say "fuck it" instead.  You can try other phrases but nothing quite works as well.  Stressed out about how you look today?  Fuck it.  Worried about if you made the right decision?  Fuck it.  Think maybe you should censor your blog so as not to offend anyone?  Fuck it.  You get it.  See, you feel better already.  I know I do.

-Eat better.  This one is boring and the same as just about every one else's.  Eat healthier, better quality food.

-Spend more time with friends and family.  This is the important part of life.  I need to do more of it.  Every day could be your last.  Blah, blah, blah.

-Spend more quality time with myself.  Also important so that my time with friends and family is quality time.  I need time to relax and reflect.

-Spend less time browsing the web.  So that I can spend more quality time with myself which, in turn, allows me to spend more quality time with friends and family.  Follow that logic?  My optimistic limit is 20 minutes a day.

-Expand my music library.  Music makes me happy.  I haven't updated my music library in so long its embarrassing.  I want to be able to put my ipod on shuffle and enjoy every single song.  (Yes, I still use an Ipod.  30gb, white, purchased in 2006.  My ipod is older than most of your relationships.)

That's all I can think of for now.  Suggestions?

Spirit Animal

A little while ago I was spending time with some of my closest friends and we got onto the subject of what each of our spirit animals would be.  We went around in a circle and named a spirit animal for each person.  When they got to me, they had nothing to say.  What does that mean?  I was declared complex.  I don't know that I buy that.  Everyone is complex.  Just because someone's name is "grinning fox" does not mean that person doesn't have many facets within his personality.  It just means that when you think of that person, those two descriptions pop out to you.  So what does it mean when the people closest to me can't think of a thing to describe me besides complex?  It makes me sad.  I don't want to be a mystery.

Interpret away, please.

Gratitude

I don't know exactly how to explain this part of myself, and maybe if you know me well you will understand what I mean.  I am plagued with guilt.  I see unfairness in the world and it interprets into guilt to me.  Why do I deserve to be so fortunate when innumerable others are suffering?  Many work harder for less and are happier with less.  My most common phrase is probably "I'm sorry".  And I really am.  I liken it to the cursed little girl in Eragon named Elva.  She feels the pain everyone around her will go through and therefore does everything in her power to prevent them from being hurt.  Only I don't have what it takes to prevent the pain.  So instead I feel guilt.

I know guilt is not a productive emotion, so I'm trying to change it to gratitude.  I have much to be grateful for.  I am grateful that I live in a country that makes life so easy on me.  I am grateful for my health.  I am grateful for Alex, and my family and friends, and that I have loving parents who were concerned about how I was raised.  I am grateful that education was accessible to me so that I was able to graduate college and get a good job, and I understand that there are many people out there who are smarter and harder working that just didn't have the opportunities that I had.  I am grateful for my relative intelligence.  That too, is luck.  I respect those who may not be as smart, for to those, life can be more of a struggle.  I am grateful that my troubles are trivial.

And I understand how fragile all this is.

Book Lovin'

I've been reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith.  I loved this dialogue so much I just had to share it.  I'm not very far into the book, by the way, but already it is amazing.

This is a conversation between Francie's mother, Katie, and her grandmother, Mary.  They are discussing how to raise Francie shortly after her birth.


"Mother, I know there are no ghosts or fairies.  I would be teaching the child foolish lies."

Mary spoke sharply.  "You do not know whether there are not ghosts on earth or angels in heaven."

"I know there is no Santa Claus."

"Yet you must teach the child these things are so."

"Why?  When I, myself, do not believe?"

"Because," explained Mary Rommely simply, "the child must have a valuable thing which is called imagination.  The child must have a secret world in which live things that never were.  It is necessary that she believe.  She must start out by believing in things not of this world.  Then when the world becomes too ugly for living in, the child can reach back and live in her imagination.  I, myself, even in this day and at my age, have great need of recalling the miraculous lives of the Saints and the great miracles that have come to pass on earth.  Only by having these things in my mind can I live beyond what I have to live for."

"The child will grow up and find out things for herself.  She will know that I lied.  She will be disappointed."

"That is what is called learning the truth.  It is a good thing to learn the truth one's self.  To first believe with all your heart, then not to believe, is good too.  It fattens the emotions and makes them to stretch.  When as a woman life and people disappoint her, she will have had practice in disappointment and it will not come so hard.  In teaching your child, do not forget that suffering is good too.  It makes a person rich in character."



Ah, beautiful.

5 year anniversary

     2005

2006

     2007

2008

 2009

2010

2011

Tomorrow is our five year anniversary, and just a few days after that marks seven years since our first date.  We met when we were both 19, just kids.  When you are young, you hear people talk about how much you change and grow in your twenties, and you think, "Not me.  I know who I am and what I like.  I know best for me."  Let me just say to all you doubters out there, you don't know.  You will change and grow, and change and growth is a good thing (because we all know someone who stayed in their 19 year old way of life, and who wants to be that guy?)  I'm saying this because Alex and I have both changed.  We were fortunate enough to both change in the same direction and to love each other enough to put some work into the relationship when we met troubles.  Marriage will test everything you have, but it's also the best, most awesome experience of your life.  

Although getting married so young gave us challenges we probably wouldn't have had if we'd waited for a few more years, I wouldn't change a thing.  I love that we were able to grow up together.  I love that we failed a few classes because we didn't want to part so we just didn't go.  I love that we learned about money by spending too much, then eating ramen or PB&Js for a solid week.  I love that we have perfected our communication so much that even in an argument we can step back and say "I'm not communicating my feelings correctly, let me calm down and rephrase that".  So if you are getting a mixed message about how I feel about people getting married at a young age, it's because I have mixed feelings about it.  Just because it worked out for me doesn't mean it will work out for everyone.  I guess my advise would be (and I hate people giving advise so bear with me) to expect hard times but be confident enough in your love to work through them.  Yay for matrimony and yay for 5 years!    

Here's a little treat for you:

                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaFtsqU2V6U&feature=related