Gratitude

I don't know exactly how to explain this part of myself, and maybe if you know me well you will understand what I mean.  I am plagued with guilt.  I see unfairness in the world and it interprets into guilt to me.  Why do I deserve to be so fortunate when innumerable others are suffering?  Many work harder for less and are happier with less.  My most common phrase is probably "I'm sorry".  And I really am.  I liken it to the cursed little girl in Eragon named Elva.  She feels the pain everyone around her will go through and therefore does everything in her power to prevent them from being hurt.  Only I don't have what it takes to prevent the pain.  So instead I feel guilt.

I know guilt is not a productive emotion, so I'm trying to change it to gratitude.  I have much to be grateful for.  I am grateful that I live in a country that makes life so easy on me.  I am grateful for my health.  I am grateful for Alex, and my family and friends, and that I have loving parents who were concerned about how I was raised.  I am grateful that education was accessible to me so that I was able to graduate college and get a good job, and I understand that there are many people out there who are smarter and harder working that just didn't have the opportunities that I had.  I am grateful for my relative intelligence.  That too, is luck.  I respect those who may not be as smart, for to those, life can be more of a struggle.  I am grateful that my troubles are trivial.

And I understand how fragile all this is.