Growing up

I'm not saying anything profound here, just looking for an outlet, a place to say "OK life, I get it now".

Growing up, it's not the same as growing older. When I was a kid, I'd start a lot of sentences with "when I grow up". When I grow up I want to be a writer. When I grow up I'll stay out late and eat candy all the time. When I grow up I'll find out what doing "it" entails. What I really meant is "when I grow older".
Growing older is something that happens to all of us, pretty much at the same rate. We all hit puberty around age 10-14. Our brains finish developing in our mid 20s, our bodies begin to wear out in our 40s, this wearing out process continues until we are elderly, then someday our "growing older" becomes "passing".

Growing up though, is made up of experiences: the kind that leave your cheeks wet, your throat raw, your mind muddled, your expression bewildered.  Growing up is having your brother die, or your baby, or your mother or father. It's struggling through the heartbreak of divorce. It's a new diagnosis of breast cancer, bipolar disorder, infertility.  It's seeing that life has an uncontrollable element that happens to all of us. I look around at friends all the time and think "when the hell did we all get so grown up"? But I know.

When I was a kid I thought being a grown up was a qualitative thing: you were either a grown up or not a grown up. I see now that growing up is like growing older; it's not done until you are in the ground.

10 things to do for a successful marriage blah blah blah

I haven't blogged in awhile, though I have ideas all the time on things I want to talk about.  I usually think of them at work or otherwise away from my computer, so I email them to myself.  By the time I have both the time to write and the computer sitting in front of me, the passion behind my ideas is gone.  So instead of writing a stale blog about the subjects I've recently emailed to myself (cat and dog at night, poverty, Arkansas, gay marriage, and resolutions) I'll write about my most recent thoughts.

If you have ever been on the internet, you've probably seen an article or blog along these lines (especially popular in the Facebook/Pinterest scene): "What to do for a happy marriage" "10 things couples do in a successful relationship" blah blah blah.  I hate advice.  I hate relationship advice, child rearing advice, career advice.  But I also feel there is definite worth in sharing experiences and learning from others.  So if I had to list the top ten most important factors in the relationship between Alex and myself, my article would go something like this:

1. Respect. Respect, I feel, is the single most important value in any relationship. It is important between two partners, parent and child, even human & environment.

2. Friendship. Alex is the first person I think of when I hear the phrase "best friend". He is the first person I go to when I want to share my joys & sorrows. At the same time I know the other friendships in my life are ultimately what allow me to be the friend I need to be to Alex.

3. Physical intimacy. Because a relationship without this is just friendship, folks. Keep it alive, keep it real, keep it frequent.

4. Ability to adapt to change. There is nothing in existence that doesn't change (except maybe styrofoam, that shit is forever). Both partners will change with time and the dynamic between the two will change as well. I think that acknowledging & embracing that fact is important. I keep in mind at all times that change isn't bad, it's different.

5. Ability to see the good. Everyone has bad qualities. This becomes especially apparent when you make a lifetime commitment to them. But don't overlook the good, the big & small. See it, appreciate it, and share it. Sometimes your partner isn't even aware of all his or her strengths unless you point them out.

6. Vulnerability. I think to be successful in a relationship you need to be all in. Of course, this makes you open to a world of hurt if your partner doesn't respect (ah, the magic word) that vulnerability and become vulnerable himself (or herself).

7. Fun. Cause otherwise, what's the point? It doesn't have to be fun all the time (and indeed, don't expect it to be or you may be setting yourself up for failure) but if fun is nonexistent in a relationship it's time to reevaluate things.

8. Work. Everyone says marriage isn't easy and I find this to be true & an understatement. It is work. Just like working at your job to earn money you must work at your relationship to earn contentment. Put in hours, sharpen your skills,  troubleshoot. This car can't drive itself.

9. Distance. I see Alex and myself as two separate entities. We each see things differently & experience things differently. I can't assume that I know what is going on inside of him, even if we are in the exact same situation. Be understanding.
This is why number 10 is important.

10. Communication. Some people are innately better than others at communication, but it is a skill you can practice & improve on. I think communication will keep a marriage afloat during hard times, and can even prevent a lot of hard times from happening.

That's my list. I know you might be thinking "but she's never been through what I've been through" or "they don't even have kids, what does she know?". That is absolutely correct. Everyone has a different situation, different experiences. I don't think everything in my list pertains to everyone, or even anything on my list to some (except respect, don't care who you are, gotta have it). I'm sure my list will even change as my life goes on, but it's what I've come up with for my current 8 year relationship. So don't take it as advice but rather as a chance to see another point of view & maybe learn from it.